Monday means back to work and today, my friends, we discuss something of the utmost importance in the office world – office toilets…and etiquette.
Basic rules of engagement for office toilets-
- Try not to engage with people who are trying to poo – You’d think this would be a given, but no, not really. Nothing more awkward than trying to drop a deuce while someone wants to talk Game of Thrones. Girl, we can talk about Jon Snow’s sweet bottom after I’m done wiping mine.
- If you must talk while you tinkle, pick talking points wisely. Gossiping about Sally in accounting while in the office toilet is an excellent way of summoning her or one of her friends. Also, asking me if I have children while I’m trying to pee is a terrible idea (I don’t. Long, terrible story actually…do you want to talk about that time someone pulled down my pants in middle school as well?). Just ask me about the weather or how you wish it were Friday (or that yay! it’s Friday..but only if it is, in fact, Friday).
- Don’t comment that the seat is warm or the place is smelly. We all know what goes on here, no need to highlight the obvious or poop-shame people.
- Don’t talk on the cell phone. I get confused if you’re talking to me (or yourself) and then self-conscious about all those sounds one makes while going to the bathroom….in the one place where it’s socially acceptable to make them.
- Don’t ask “who is over there” unless you want sarcastic and/or gross responses.
- Clean up. I feel like your parents should have probably taught you this lesson, but if not – clean yourself, clean up after yourself, and then wash your hands.
Boom, done. Now go potty like a professional.
I’m helpful, funny and smile often. And <gasp> I have boobs…but that doesn’t mean that I want to date you or hook up with you. Honest. So don’t tell me, “I’m going to enjoy working with you,” with that pick-up line tone on your tongue.
I’m sure you’re lovely, but I’m here to work. And guess what, so are you.
Office worker confession – we have to work on mentoring younger employees, not being afraid of them – their youth and potential (including the fear that they may leap frog over us for the next promotion). So many companies “eat their young,” instead of mentoring them and letting them in on those office secrets we’ve gleaned along the way.
We need to extend our hands down to lift people up, let others benefit from our knowledge…but at the same time, try not to lecture. Because the only way this is going to get better is if we are instrumental in the change.
Happy Monday 😉
Office worker confession #4 – We want cookies at meetings
Yes. We do. And I’m not joking.
It’s true, 9 out of 10 office workers agree that cookies improve productivity. <Don’t pay attention to that 10th worker, for whatever reason they hate on everything.>
So put out that cookie tray at 1 pm during our long ass office meeting…and then again at 3 pm, because – it’s just the right thing to do.
Office Worker Confessional #3 –
I want paid maternity, paternity, and adoptive parent leave.
Because taking responsibility for another life is a pretty big deal, especially if you have to squeeze that life through a small opening in your body…
For those of you who didn’t know, the U.S. is the only developed country that does not offer guaranteed paid maternity or paternity leave for their workers. Additionally, there have been studies and articles that have highlighted that paid maternity, paternity, and adoptive parent leave would not cause a negative economic impact, as many opponents of the idea have claimed.
And because there’s often truth in humor…and sometimes it takes a comedian to make people realize the ridiculousness of the situation, check out John Oliver’s Mother’s Day bit, which highlights the issue of paid maternity, paternity, and adoptive parent leave in the U.S.
Still don’t think it’s important? Well, don’t be surprised when people start looking for jobs at businesses that grant their employees for paid mat/pat/adoptive leave.
Office Worker Confessions #2 – Coffee
I don’t know how to make coffee……on purpose.
Why? Well, first of all – I don’t drink it, so why would I learn how to make it? I’m weird and grew up in New England, so I only drink tea (mmmmmm chai lattes are awesome).
But also in honor of all of the women in the workforce who have fetched or made coffee in the last, oh 100 years or so. Also known as….
…feminist bad-assery. 😉 Happy Monday, office workers!
Confession #1 – I listen to pandora on my headphones while doing work and….sigh, sometimes I can’t help it, I have to dance or mouth the words. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to adjust dancing arms or head bobbing into convincing stretches when people walk by. But I don’t think they’re onto me, yet….hopefully. 🙂
What’s your office confession?