Category Archives: Bella Musings (Pet Humor)

Thoughts on snow, by a small dog

  Snow is some serious bullshit. 

….ah, I’ve just been told by my person that I’ve used a bad word. 

As a dog, obviously there are no bad words. There are still rules – like no barking in my person’s face when she’s reading…or sleeping (I do it anyway though because it’s funny). But let’s get back to the topic at hand – 

Snow stinks (I’ve been told this word is okay) because anything more than three inches is level with my belly. And I don’t have to explain to you why that would be uncomfortable for me. 

But there are benefits to snow – like the baking that goes on in this apartment when snow is on the ground and my person doesn’t have to work.  There are breads, pies, and all kinds of treats I get to sample. It’s bliss, until of course we have to go outside again and more snow has accumulated in my absence.  And then it’s clear –

Snow is a mother fucker.

Okay, so apparently that word is bad too? I’m starting to wonder about my person’s vocabulary…

Anyway, wish me luck and a warm belly, friends, for winter is here and snow, she is coming…  

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Turkey dog

My dog, Bella, is known as the cat-dog as she’s got the snark and judgmental eyes of a cat with the energy and loyalty of a dog.

Of all of the things that Bella is known for, her role as sous chef is the most infamous.  I can’t even claim her as only my sous chef as Bella will lend out her skills as floor cleaner, dishwasher, and food smeller extraordinaire to anyone.  While in this role, she will often park her butt on the floor behind the cook or directly in front of the stove…in case her taste testing skills are required, such selfless sacrifice from our humble sous chef.

And this Christmas, Bella’s sous chef skills truly paid off.  I give you – the tale of the turkey dog:

The electric knife buzzed through the Christmas turkey (turkey is never frowned upon in this establishment) and the aroma of well-cooked meat perfumed the air around our noses.  I forked another slice of turkey on to the serving tray when I heard Bella’s collar jingle.

And then it jingled again, like when Bella shakes off the rain after a walk.  I looked down to see her shake off again, droplets flying off her head…

Alicia – “Why is your head wet?”

Bella – Here is my innocent face, which I hope will distract you from asking any more inconvenient questions.

I turn back to the table to grab another slice of turkey, my eyes falling to the table just below the cutting board, where turkey juices had apparently been pooling for quite some time…to the seam in the table where another leaf can be added to make the kitchen table larger…where turkey juices were dripping onto a sizable pool on the floor.  At that moment, perhaps sensing the last moments of her secret treat, Bella darted under the table (and into the dripping stream) for another taste of turkey juices and then sat prettily for this picture – oily, turkey fur and all.

“Though my fur is oily and smelly, my eyes are carefully innocent.”

I guess all of that experience as sous chef finally paid off…sadly enough, it also earned Bella one of her least favorite activities – a bath.

Life With Bella – Transportation

Musings on life, by Bella – the cat-ish dog

Bella on transportation, also known as how to carry a bitch

Because of my delicate size and extreme cuteness, people often want to carry me around.  But don’t be too jealous, sometimes it’s a bit of a hassle as many people don’t know how to properly carry a bitch.  For all of you that don’t know, I’ve listed appropriate carrying positions below.

1.  Hip balance/My impression of a doggie purse

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This is an appropriate way to carry me.  It allows me to keep an eye on what’s going on (because, let’s face it – I am an excellent judge of character or danger) and it allows you to get me treats with your other hand….which you should definitely do.

 

 

 

2.  Across the chest/My head on your shoulder

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This is also a good way to carry me, as it allows me to give menacing glares to those behind us or smirk at those that wish they could be carried.

 

 

 

3.  Baby/I am a princess pose

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This is my favorite way of carrying a bitch.  It allows me the greatest comfort while still letting everyone know that I am a princess…hmmm I’m not sure which one of those things is more important.

Anyway, not all dogs like this pose.  But then again, not all dogs are fit to be divas. 😉

 

Picking dogs up is also apparently confusing.  Do not ever try to pick me up by my back legs – you’re making me look like a dog wheelbarrow and I will voice my displeasure.  If you do this – you sir, are an ass and you are not allowed to carry this bitch.

Arguments for eating at the table, by Bella

Musings on life by Bella, the cat-dog (so named for the snark to go with the tail wagging)

I do have to warn you, this post is in fact, very, very, silly…I blame the three-day weekend.  :p

Arguments on eating at the table, by Bella:

People, it is extremely wrong (not to mention rude), the way you eat at tables and fail to invite your four-legged friends.

I have compiled a list to convince my person, who is so far un-swayed, which I’m sure you will find to be quite logical…

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1.  There are three extra chairs:

Look at these lonely, wasted chairs!  No one else is using them, so why not me?

I promise to listen intently to your dinner conversation if I can sit on one of the chairs…  No?  Hmmm..

 

image 2.  If you refuse to invite me to your dinner, I will be forced to make sad eyes at you from the floor.

Look, look at these sad eyes!

Wait…don’t turn away…

 

 

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3.  Due to your post-college, bargain purchase of a glass dinner table (perhaps not the wisest decision you’ve ever made), I can make the sad eyes at you from under the table.

Ha!  Good luck ignoring me now!

 

 

image4.  The fact that you put a table-cloth over your glass table will not stop me from making my presence known.

Allow me to demonstrate a trick favored by my people – the cold, wet nose on your foot or ankle – when you least expect it.

I think you will find me a formidable opponent in this war, person.

 

image5.  I have excellent table manners, I’ve been practicing while you were at work.  Let me demonstrate:  “please, pass the steak.”

Still no?  Unfair!  You’ll have to deal with more sad eyes from the floor…and perhaps sad, puppy whining.

 

 

 

I did warn you…a very silly post.  I’d like to point out that despite her best arguments, Bella is still not allowed to sit that the table.  Though she does periodically get to taste yummy people food – a compromise, me thinks. 🙂

Thoughts on Hygiene, By Bella

Musings on life by Bella (the cat-dog, so nicknamed for her doggie nature and cat-like snark)

Sunday was traumatic, as it was marked by the inconsistently timed ritual known as grooming.  If my human were better at planning, perhaps I would be able to prepare or foil her attempts at grooming me.  But sadly, the randomness allows her to catch me unaware.  So sneaky.

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First, there is the bath.  This, my friends, this is the place of terror.

I once escaped the bonds of the plastic prison and led my person on a jolly (and wet) chase around the living room…only to be lured back to the tub by treats.  Alas, the treats, they are my greatest weakness.

Sometimes the grooming ends there and I am rewarded with treats.  But I was not that fortunate on Sunday, as my person decided that I was in need of a haircut.

I did go to PetSmart once to get a haircut.  But they tied me up and muzzled me, which I did not appreciate at all…apparently I gave them a “hard time.”  So now, my enterprising person has (for better or for worse) taken over my grooming.  There are no muzzles or leashes.  However, there are rules:

1) No talking – It is my understanding that people generally converse with their hairdresser.  However, my person greatly frowns upon any attempt at conversation or diversion during haircuts….really people, a growl could mean so many things.

2) No biting – Not that I would ever bite.  Sometimes, I think about it.  I open my mouth just a little – testing to see if my person notices.  When she gives me that look (that look that says that she controls my treats), I masterfully turn my open mouth into a yawn.  We do this several times throughout the haircut and by the end it is terribly amusing.  I would laugh if I could, but see rule #1.

3) Treats are given during the grooming process and…at the end!  This is what makes it all worthwhile.  My person tells me I’m a pretty girl (duh), puts my collar back on (a sign that the trauma is over), and gives me more treats.

Let us hope that this is my last bath  and haircut of the year…

Thoughts on Shark Week, With Bella

On life with Bella, the cat-dog (so named for the snark to go along with the tail-wagging)

Bella on Shark Week:

The best thing we learned from “Shark Week” was that Sharks can go into tonic immobility.

What’s tonic immobility?  Here let me demonstrate:

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I call this trick #5 (after speak, sit, down, and roll over), which I employ in treat acquisitions (as well as when begging for belly rubs).

My person uses this same pose after eating too much chocolate, debating publishing versus self-publishing, and when being lectured about her “life choices.” 🙂

Musings on Life, with Bella

Posts on life by Bella (the dog)

image Most dogs look at life with a wagging tale and slobbering kisses.  Bella has that doggie disposition – as well as a perspective and personality all her own.  My sister nicknamed her the cat-dog, for her sometimes snarky behavior that balances out her playful sweetness.  She’s a great dog and very entertaining.

And so, I’m introducing a series of silly posts on life with Bella.

Today, Bella explains how to deal with people who think they’re better than you:

This is a problem in the dog world as well –  I just beat them at their own game (pee on top of where they’ve already marked, often stopping several times to make sure the job is done satisfactorily).  Then I ignore them, as they bark like fools when I strut past.  Peasants.  lolz  – B

Evolution of Relationships in Novels…as explained by my dog

Evolution of relationships in novels…as explained by my dog’s interactions with the cable guy 🙂

I watched Bella (I promise, I did not name her after Twilight’s lame heroine) interact with the cable guy yesterday, and I couldn’t help being amused at her steps toward him.  Then I got to thinking, how very similar her stages of getting to know the cable guy were to relationship building in novels. :p  So here is my silly “show” explanation on relationship stages, as shown through my dog (after all, aren’t they always telling us to show and not tell?). 🙂

Yes, I am silly…and no, I’m not one of those people that lets their dog sit at the table during dinner (yet)… 🙂

Step 1 – Distrust

Cable guy knocks and Bella barks.  Her internal dialogue, “who are you and why do you enter my domain, sir?

I put her on the couch to separate them and tell her to stay.  If she could, she would mutter to herself or grumble.

Step 2 – Feigned disinterest

Bella: “I will sit on my person’s lap and watch you.   But I really don’t care about what ever it is you’re doing.

Step 3 – Denial of interest

Bella:  “I will sniff you, but it doesn’t mean anything.” Sniff, sniff.  “I must warn you, I can sniff out liars and cads!”  Sniff, sniff.  “Do I detect essence of old spice mixed with…hmm a lunch of cheese burgers?  Delicious.”

Cable man reaches to pet Bella.  Bella: “Sigh, I will grudgingly let you pet me, but only because you smell of delicacies…

Step 4 – Curiosity

Bella:  “You pet me nicely.  But tell me, sir – how good are you at back scratches?

Step 5 – Finding shared interests

Bella: “You’re good at petting and scratching, but tell me  – would you fancy a rope toss?  Or perhaps tug of war?”

Cable guy throws Bella’s rope and she chases after it, bringing it back quickly.

Step 6 – Shameless flirting

Bella:  “If I nose your hand and sit in front of you, will you pet me again?

Cable guy laughs and scratches Bella’s back.

Bella: “Excellent, I will stay here until you stop.”

Step 7 –  Acceptance & love

Bella: “Pet me more.  Also, if you give me a treat (which my person keeps out of my reach), I will be your friend forever.”

 

Heeheehee. Of course, all of this happened over the course of an hour and a half.  In most novels, and for most humans, the process takes slightly longer.  But what an incredible amount of freedom and directness dogs have.  Want someone to pet you?  Make cute puppy eyes up at your human until he/she pets you.  If only it were that simple for the rest of us. 🙂

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